“I ran around in circles, I think I made myself dizzy”- Solange
Today at work, I watched a mother comfort her crying daughter in the bathroom about her forgotten homework.
Mom says, “Honey, that’s okay, you don’t have to be perfect”.
Some days are good. Some days are bad.
I am in a period of destitution– I have nothing left.
You know when you’re watching a movie and the “strong” protagonist reaches the point of their journey where they become weak, seeming to have no fight left and you’re behind the screen like,
“NO! GET UP” “FIGHT BACK” “GET THE FUCK UP YOU GOT THIS”?
Yeah. That’s me.
But see, I am the protagonist and the watcher telling me to get the fuck up.
I feel weak, alone, and extremely exhausted of this ongoing fight I have with life. Which is ironic because my first instinct is to push everyone in my life- actually, my first instinct to completely eradicate everyone from my life. My lack of a tribe does not surprise me, in anyway.
I see, very clearly, that it is catching up to me.
I have never had anyone to shoulder these burdens with except for God and my ancestors. Which is why I take spiritual practices seriously; in the physical realm, I am without. I am lacking.
From financial stress and fears, a lack of purpose (post- college graduation), I struggle to find my worth and my sanity.
As jokester, I play off my inconsistencies well, where only God knows that my strength is failing.
This is the real reality of being a “strong African woman”.
No one will save you.
However, I am comforted in knowing that I, will save me. Despite the difficulties, the body pain, the tears, the exhaustion.
In honor of those who came before me.
Thank you to my maternal ancestors. ᥫ᭡
Why do I feel so pathetic for being a human being with vulnerabilities?
Of course I have the birds, the bees, the trees, and evolution I have yet to see.
I cannot help but feel a gust of cold wind pierce me in the heart, bringing me down to my knees.
To be reminded, that I am in need.
And just maybe, that is the human in me.